August 11, 2013

It's Always My Fault!



On Tuesday, a client and I met to discuss a session we're going to do on relationship management. One of the topics was how the corporation’s managers sometimes can't stand some of the people they work with. They feel it's useless and case closed.

I love this topic, especially when it comes up in my seminars. It's always interesting to see the look on participants' faces when I present the commitment ratio of the relationship building system I created: 80% you; 20% the other person. What?!

Yep, that's the look on their faces. You do 80% of the work and the other person does 20%. "That’s not fair!" -- some might say. Relationship management at work is not about fairness (that comes later), it's about effectiveness.

The ultimate challenge is not
how you relate to others. It's how you deal with YOU!

Relationships need to function for everyone to get their jobs done. An 80/20 ratio assures your commitment produces functioning results that guarantee performance. "But it doesn't make sense: the other person is the problem, not me!" -- others object.

This reminds me of a story back in my university days. One late night, as I was making my way home, I saw a man literally banging his head against a street post. I kind of recognized him, so I walked up to him.

After a long monologue, I came to learn his tragic story. His wife had left with another man and took the children. His partner was no longer a partner. His business was crumbling. He was drinking... I almost felt sorry for him. But then I didn't.

It's a tough lesson: either you take on the responsibility
of being in charge of the events of your life or... you don't.

When he finally asked if I wasn't going to say anything, I asked: "You expected people would behave in a certain way, right?" What?! -- was the look on his face. Then silence. Then a smile.

"That’s right", he said. "I've blamed everyone around me for everything that has happened to me. That puts the power to lead my life in their hands, not in mine. To be in charge, I need to accept it's my fault."

That day, that man began to understand that it will always be up to him  to take charge of how relationships affect his life and how he will proceed. He understood that the outcomes of our relationships start with us.

Today, that man leads a fulfilling life -- lots of challenges no doubt, but fulfilling. Today, he is an 80/20 man, committed to producing functioning results that guarantee performance. His approach is: regardless of what happens, it's always my responsibility.

Could this work for you? I'm eager to see how the managers will respond!